Depressed..

depression mode on...

High dose!

mood swings...

fags!

No tears..

No laughter..

mood swings...

death..

"artificial" cheerfulness

mood swings...

fuck work..

fags!

sleepless nights..

death..

sleeping pills..

prayers..

depressed..

Please help...

Please help to lock these psycho up!!



http://www.petitiononline.com/killer75/

A walk down memory lane...

Dad took sis and I down the memory lane last night after visiting grandpa in the hospital.

He told us stories about my grandparents. Stories that will make one laugh and cry..

Grandpa actually had another wife before grandma!
Grandpa came to Singapore before grandma brought my dad, 2nd uncle and aunt over from Johore.
Grandpa is a very honest man. (yup, I know that very well)
Grandpa had worked very hard for his children.
Grandpa used to cycle long distance (read: from old geylang to the old keppal area) for work everyday!
Grandpa used to hit grandma each time they fought.

Grandma is a very smart woman.
Grandma knows how to earn money!
Grandma used to smash plates and bowls after each fight with grandpa.
Grandma used to work in a factory.

Dad studied till sec. 1.
Dad used to have many many girlfriends before he met my mother.
Dad had to help taking care of his younger sibilings since he was in primary school.

Eldest aunt studied till primary 4 only.
She worked as a maid since she was barely 11.
She always got bullied.

2nd uncle was the naughtiest.
He can cycle very well.
He told grandma that he was graudated when he decided to stop school at the age of 9.
He was pretty short because he used to fetch water for the rest of the villagers in order to earn some money.

Not much information of my 3rd uncle and youngest aunt though..

Then I plucked up the courage to ask how he met my mother.
Surprisingly, dad told us the story without much hesitation.

Dad met my mother at the cinema.
Dad was dating my mother till one day mother told him that she was pregnant.
Yes, my parents had a shotgun marriage.
But at least, to me, my dad is responsible enough at that time. If not, there wouldn't be my brother, me and even my sister.
Mother was a very playful woman. Vain and nasty.
I know that those were true cause I remember my childhood.

Then a thought hit me.
I may not look like any of my parents. But I feel that I had their bad "genes".

Dad was lucky with girls, so am I, lucky with boys.
Mother had an abortion before marrying to dad. I had mine too.
Mother was vain, I was too.

It freaks me, cause neither of my sibilings has any of these..
I want a happy marriage, a family of my own. A happy blissful one.
But if mine will turn out like my parents', I will rather be single and take care of my parents when they grow old.



Fuck the generations' curse! Damn...

Grandpa's admitted again..

Thought of bringing grandpa to the hospital for a check up cause he had a fall few days back and had a bump on his forehead. Observed him for 2 days and realized he vomited few times. To put my mind at ease, I need a doctor to see him and hopefully do a scan for him.

As usual, I always have to wait at the A&E. Not going to mention which hospital, cause I don't like the place. I have to bring grandpa there because all his records are there. If not, I would have send him to SGH. Anyway, I am really pissed with the way they handle waiting relatives (read: waiting for long hours, without updating the anxious relatives). I, as a healthcare worker knows how things go. I tried to understand their situation but they are way too slow and incompetent. I nearly become a bitch there.

From 4pm to 11pm, that was how long I had to stay in the hospital. All by myself. Only in the late evening then a kind friend and my sister came over. Yeah, my dad was around, but he came and went off, sick of waiting.

I guess staying alone for too long hours, pissed with the staffs, made my mind go bersak. I had to suppress my feelings and keep myself sane by walking to corners for a few puffs. There was noone I can speak to or call, except for updating my brother and dad about grandpa's condition.

I just feel that noone simply cares. Noone. They just think that all they have to do is to fork out the cash and I will take care of the rest. Or maybe I expected too much from them. Isn't grandpa their dad?!

I am not the only one who know that grandpa had a fall. But noone wants to take the initative to bring him to the doctor. I am really upset about this.

Now the doctors decided to keep him hospitalized as his sodium level is low and he looked dehydrated to them. Then only when he is hospitalized, the doctor decided to do a scan for his bump. I am pretty upset that the doctor in the A&E did not do the scan and told me that the bump will go away by itself.

Thank God that I brought him to the hospital, if not noone will know that he has a new health issue.

I am really sad about everything now. I cannot concentrate at my own stuffs and grandpa is my main concern now. Since noone wanna take the responsibility, I will.

I can only pray that God will have some mercy on grandpa. I know God has been kind enough but I really hope that grandpa can have a few more years to live. I want grandpa to see my kids. I know its really not possible, but I really pray for that. There are too many things I haven't got the chance to do with my grandparents yet. So God, please bless my grandparents. Please protect them and keep them safe. God, please keep them healthy and strong. Please God.

I can't help thinking of negative things yesterday. I really love my grandparents. I really dunno what to do if either of my grandparents will to have any mishap. I really pray every night for God's mercy and blessings.

Grandpa and grandma have both played their important roles in my life. In fact, more than most grandparents do in their grandchildrens' life. Grandpa had always been "saving" me from sleeping at the corridors. I will never forget how he would to bring us, in turns, to drink coffee with him after dinners. And we would bug him for the mini motorcars rides. Grandpa would order either milo or holick for us. He would pour it into the saucer and blow it cool for us to drink.

I really love grandpa and I don't wanna see any bad thing happen to him. Each time he is hospitalized, I am so fearfully that he may not be discharged. Yet, I have to show him that cheerful side of me. And to others, a strong side of me.

I remember the last time he was hospitalized, cousin mei cried in front of me. I felt really upset too but I had to suppress my own feelings in order to console her. Glad to know that I can act pretty well.

It's time to go hospital now. For any of you guys reading this, I don't need anything, just a prayer for my grandparents. Thanks!

It hurts..

I wonder if any of you ever feel like this before.

I know I still have feelings for you...
I know that I do..

But why?

Why each time I think of you....

I feel as if my heart is being squashed..
I feel that I can't breath...
I feel the warm tears at the corner of my eyes..

I can only feel hurt.

I thought loving someone, I should feel happy.
Giggling like a child when I think of you..
Smiling at myself each time you came into my mind..
Feeling my heart beating fast..

But why is it the different way now?

If this is what loving you is all about, I believe I need to do something about it.

I will have to go.
I have to keep my mind occupied 24/7.
I have to stop thinking of you.
I have to learn to ignore you.

I hate to fall in love.
Cause I know, I'm such a hopeless love fool when I give my heart away.

ZODIAC SIGN DETAILS

Gemini (May 22 - June 21)
Born on Sunday, June 14, 1981
Age 25 years 4 months 9 days
You have lived 9,262 days!
(Warning: Your system date must be set to the current date)

Symbol: The TwinsRuling
Planet: Mercury
Air - Mutable -
PositiveDay Forces - Masculine
Growth Phase: The Child
Secret Motivation: "I Think"

GEMINI IN A NUTSHELL
The sign of the Inventor, the Artist

Personality: Mentally energetic and enquiring, restless, artistic, fickle and contrary, witty versatile, joyous and full exuberance.

Positive Qualities: Witty and pleasant, versatile, brilliant, enthusiastic, diplomatic and tactful, cheerful and gay.

Negative Qualities: Indecisive, untidy, self-centered, careless, indifferent and cruel, lacking staying power.

PERSONALITY AND CHARACTER
Thinks too much! Gossip, neighbors, relatives, magazines, letter- writing and trips are his or her forte. Nervous, unnerved by routine. Variety is the spice of life! Can talk almost about anything. Clever with hands. Sometimes too clever. Imitative. Skims and absorbs, rather than concentrates. Like Peter Pan, they will grow up. Critical of surrounding. Adaptable to circumstances.

KARMIC MISSION To communicate - in a mental, aggressive, dynamic and idealistic manner.

ENERGY PATTERN
Each of the 12 Signs of the Zodiac represents specific energy patterns, or modes of expression. They act as modifiers of the elements with which they are associated, be it a Planet or a House. Gemini is abstract curiosity seeking to form a picture of the world, and to communicate those perceptions to others.

INFLUENCE OF THE PLANET
Those born under Gemini and Virgo are the Mercury type. You are often slim, of average height, have a small bone structure, large eyes, and intelligent expression, mobile features and an amiable disposition. You are inquisitive, restless and high-strung, but very adaptable, which is a strong point in your favor.

DECAN INSIGHT
Each zodiac sign extends across 30 degree of the Zodiac. These can be further subdivided into three decans of 10 degree each. Therefore, though all those born under a particular sign are classified under the same sign, the decans yield further insight into your total personality.

You belong to the Third Decan of Gemini (June 11 - June 21).Both Saturn and Uranus rule over you. There is certain toughness along with your essential creativity. You are capable of tremendous achievements and yet retain a very human outlook. Psychiatry would be a suitable line too, though this is the decan of the inventor. The essential Gemini duality yields dividends in this decan.

GEMINI LOVE MYSTERY
Gemini is well known for the multiplicity of affairs, attachments and even marriages. You need a steady base and ought to realize that a marriage implies a shouldering of responsibility, not playing the field. You are at your best in casual flirtations, spreading happiness but also breaking hearts. You are the classic example of the person with a roving eye and you really don't care to be tied down. Lasting attachments will only come with a change of attitude. Marriage also implies security, home, children, steadiness of income and lifestyle and not just fun and games. You may not approve, but will need to rethink regarding your attitudes to attain marital happiness. Marriage may get you down, though you love and look after your family, interact well with your spouse and even in-laws. It's just that you can lose interest, so you should look for a stable partner, or one who can live it up with you. Libra, Sagittarius, Aquarius, even Leo or Aries are fine.

SEXUAL CHARACTERISTICS
Sex plays an important role in the life of every man and woman. It lies at the root of life, and we can never learn to revere life until we know how to understand sex. Indian astrological science attributes certain sexual characteristics to persons according to the sign under which they have been born.
You have a weakness for opposite sex and are very clever at winning them over. But it is not easy to retain your love or interest. You love with your head, and not with your heart.

AS A FRIEND
Gemini reciprocates love and blossoms with a little appreciation. A good friend and an amusing one, for the most part. Though sometimes you feel hard done by, and that others don't care as much. You are always young at heart and the life and soul of many a gathering.

COMPATIBILITY WITH OTHER SIGNS
The following section tells you about your compatibility with other zodiac signs in friendship, business, family or love relationships. The basic foundation will remain unchanged, though mutual aspects between planets will modify the relationship to a certain extent in a positive or a negative way.

Ideal Association (5-9 Sun Sign Pattern): Libra and AquariusNot always, but surprisingly often, the extraordinary magnetism of 5-9 Sun sign attraction leads to easy sympathy, mental stimulation, emotional affinity, romantic fulfillment. There will be a strong sympathy between you and misunderstandings will not be severe or lasting. The chances for harmony are excellent, and a happy relationship on a permanent basis is more effortlessly achieved than with any other sign - be it friendship, business, family or love relationships. Hostile placement of planets between the two horoscopes will cause some personality clashes and tensions - causing the compatibility to rock from time to time - although the basic empathy and understanding will always remain. If the planets are in harmonious aspect, your relationships with these people will be most extraordinarily happy, smooth and sympathetic.

Ideal Association with some Problems (7-7 Sun Sign Pattern): SagittariusNot always, but frequently, you either get physically attracted to or secretly admire and respect each other - in case of opposite sex. The individual possesses the qualities of character and personality traits you yourself lack. The urge to imitate will be strong. However, in case of same sex, you may become strongly competitive and feel uneasy or envious. Mutual aspects between other planets somewhat modify the relationship positively or negatively.

Compassionate Association (2-12 Sun Sign Pattern): CancerIn your association with this individual, one of you will feel that he or she has many lessons to learn from the other. The one who has lessons to teach will feel an inexplicable compassion for the weaknesses and mistakes of the other person, strangely understanding the other's markedly different motives and behavior.

Favorable Association (3-11 Sun Sign Pattern): Aries and LeoYou will feel a strong tie of friendship, whatever the association you share with these individuals. Mutual trust and ease of communication mark the relationship. In spite of strong differences, you connect closely with each other. A sense of responsibility and some sort of inescapable duty will bring you together. You will constantly stimulate each other into changing habits and existing situations. Any quarrels will usually be quickly resolved, forgiven and forgotten. Even when the association seems to be a closed chapter, it reappears months or years later, to be resumed once more.

Beneficial Association (6-8 Sun Sign Pattern): Scorpio and CapricornThere will be some problem in communication. Yet you will be powerfully drawn into each other. Irresistible sexual attraction in case of a love relationship. In case of friendship, business or family ties, attraction through some shared interest. Urge for mutual help. Service given will always be repaid. In some way, a great benefit will come from one to the other through the relationship, and the one who serves will usually remain loyal.

Reflective Association (1-1 Sun Sign Pattern): GeminiYou will each be tempted to magnify your own virtues and failings. All the positive character traits will be intensified - as will the negative traits. A constant effort should be made to encourage in one another the positive qualities of the zodiac sign you both share and to discourage the negative ones.

Unfavorable Association (4-10 Sun Sign Pattern): Virgo and PiscesNot always, but surprisingly often, you will feel a noticeable tension or conflict of personality in the presence of these individuals. One of you may grow restless because of the strict disciplinary attempts of the other. For various reasons, there will always be some mental and emotional restriction.

YOUR LUCKY ELEMENTS
Take a quick look at what is lucky for you.
Birth Stone: MoonstoneLucky Gems: Topaz , Agate And Emerald
Lucky Colors: Orange , Lemon, Yellow And Fawn
Lucky Numbers: 5, 14, 23, 32, 41, 50 (the 5 series)
Lucky Talisman: No Suggestion
Lucky Herbs and Flowers: Celery, Myrtle Fern, Bryony and Lavender
Lucky Day: Wednesday

FAMOUS PERSONALITIES
Following are some of the famous personalities who were born under your zodiac sign.

1. Arthur Conan Doyle
2. Ian Fleming
3. John F. Kennedy
4. Paul McCartney
5. Norman Vincent Peale
6. Queen Victoria
7. Helen Hall
8. Walt Whitman
9. Rosalind Russell
10. Charles Frederick Neff

Hot mama...

I wanna be a young hot mama...

Not an old haggard one...

Eeeww!!

I can't... Damn!

I just can't seem to get you out of my mind...

Damn my stupid mind!




I need to go..

Go far away...

Away from you...

This week..

7th Oct..

A million thanks to all of you for attending & helping in the BBQ..

I'm glad that you guys enjoyed yourselves..

Thanks bud for going to places for me, & coming over to help me get things organized!

Thanks Missy M&M for your liquor and wine, & rushing over for the BBQ!

Thanks sis and hubby for helping me carrying stuffs, buying drinks, & entertaining all!

Thanks a million for making it a successful BBQ birthday party for the birthday boy!

=========================

11th ~ 12th Oct

Nursed a really sick lady..

Watched another episode of "Zhen Qing"..

Controlled myself from shedding tears..

Super long hours of work, (13hours for each day..)

Had to rush around S'pore just to get 10mls of "holy water" for my patient..

I cant get myself too attached to her..

I need to be professional..

=========================

13th Oct

Recieved a VIP case...

Depressed man..

Had to keep his spirit up despite mine is down..

=========================

Seen so many life and death during my working years...

Many things in life are so unpredictable..

Life is really too short for many things...

Life is so fragile...

I'm scared about my own..

Will there be a tomorrow for my loved ones?

Will I get to see sunrise tomorrow?


*damn*

A dream of you..

I had a dream last night..

I dreamt that we met each other...

You came talking to me.. But I could not remember what you said..

You touched my face..

Looked into my eyes..

And we kissed..

The kiss felt so real..

Your soft lips touched mine..

A kiss that lasted for awhile...

You held me close to you...

I felt so protected.. so loved..

Then, the stupid noise from the ceiling came and smashed my dream.. Damn!

When I opened my eyes, I could not help it but started wondering, "Did you have the same dream?"


"Did you?"

Things are getting better...

I'm so glad that everything is looking better for me...

Job offers are pouring in, till the extend I have to turn one or two down..

Keeping myself busy everyday with work, house work, Snow, etc..

Having my sinus problem clearing up, cost me a bomb for that..

Oh well...

Looks like the sun is always shining for me..

I'm happy!!

Question..

A well-known guy asked my friend this....


"Is having sex better than smoking a ciggie?"


Boy...

The high level for both is different...

Maybe drugs and sex are harder to compare....

Money affairs..

Just saw one of my poly mate today...
We had a huge "cold war" during last year of poly..
I dun really like her and I believe the feeling is mutual..

She is a air stewardess now.. A dream of hers since poly days.
Flying high and living a high life, earning pretty good money.

Then somehow, I feel lousy.
I feel that I havent achieve anything much in life yet.

Generally, I am happy.
Happy about things that money can never get for me.

But when it comes to money issues, gosh....
I totally suck in that..

But no worries!
I am getting things done..
I am doing things that can make me look forward for my future..

Just have to patient with myself..
Money never comes easy...

shit...

think I'm going deaf soon...

Thanks to my sinus...

fuckin' tired...

Since I got the job, I am feeling very tired.
I know, I should have rest enough for months...
No excuses...

My sinus is still lingering around...
I'm getting fainting spells...
My legs keep having "needles-and-pins" sensations..
I'm losing appetite...
I can't sleep well @ night... I know I am awake on and off, the next thing I know, my alarm clocks going off.. damnit!
Everyone who sees me says the bloodly same thing, "OMG! Why are you so skinny now?"

Fuck...

I'm eating, only when I'm feeling hungry and I do eat as much as I can..
I'm working hard..
I have made an appt to see my specialist...
I don't stay up late so often now..
I always try to sleep before 12mn...

but still......

I'm fuckin' tired..
My body is in protest!