I wish

I wish we can take what we have into a higher level..

I wish I can show you to all my friends..

I wish I can tell the world who you are to me..

I wish I can tell you how I really feel..

I wish I can bring you home...

I wish I can hold your hands in the public..

I wish I can kiss you right in front of others..

I wish I can have you wholeheartedly..

I wish I can show you how much I care...

There are so many things I wish I can do them with you...


But I'm a freak..

I fear.
Fear that someday someone may say, "hey, I saw him holding another girl's hand.."
How am I suppose to reply.

"yeah, I know. That's his girl."





I can share all these with nobody.

Haunt by the past

Yeah, I must admit, I am still haunt by my past...
Not so much of missing anyone, but I have changed so much due to what had happened.
It is pretty sad to have realised it now and accepting the fact that I have indeed, changed into quite a cold-blooded selfish person.

Ever since he left me, I believed he put a curse on me. (yeah, human beings always blame others for their failure. I'm a human too.)

"Life will be different without me, girl..." That were his last words.
Yeah, life has been different. He have since taught me, not to trust.

Not to trust any other guys.
Not to trust their words.
Not to trust their promises.
Not to trust their actions.


Not to trust L-O-V-E.


I have not be able to really trust anyone else with my heart ever since.
I've tried.
And each time it failed, my heart gets even more fragile.
Yet I can't show my feelings.

Cause to everyone, I am a bubbly kid.
I am someone who is ever so cheerful, full of laughter & giggles.
Someone whose life is ever so filled with sunshine.

But no one knows that I am the someone who will force myself to smile at others, even on days that I'm feeling down.
I am the someone that will find the sunshine in my own world.

I wanna be the bubbly girl that everyone thinks I am. So there are days that I will just fake it.

I'm sorry to be so superficial. I hate it.


Anyone who knows my past will gimme that, "oh you're such a poor thing" look.
I do not like that. I am not a poor thing.
Yes, I nearly ended up my life there at that point of time. Thank God I did not.
It hasn't kill me there.
I have learnt to be stronger. I have learnt not to love. Yes, I did.

Then, there were days I think back, life will be meaningless for me, if there is no one special to share it with me.
I started to open my heart to L-O-V-E again. Trying to trust again.

Then again when things started to fall apart, I grew to be even more cold.
To the extend, I only see what I can get or received, not what I can give.

It is terrible.

I am scared of myself. Scared of the reflection I see in the mirror.


I wanna go back to who I was in the past.
I want back my innocence, which I know, I have lost it.
Forever.


It is hard to learn, but harder to unlearn.


Each time i met someone, I always tell myself, "trust him".
But each time I sensed something amiss, I got scared.
And in order not to get myself hurt again, I hide.
Avoid him.
Hide my innermost feelings.
Keep my mouth shut.
Continue to act bubbly.
Period.


It is a lose-lose situation, I know.
But I can only trust myself.
I know I cannot afford to be badly hurt again.
It didn't killed me the last time.
I can't promise it will not the next time.
I am scared.


I need to learn how to trust again.
I am trying hard.
I have learn to hear from others and trying to believe whatever they say.
I give them chances.
Chances to break my heart. Only to certain limits.


I am cold.
I know.


I am trying to raise the temperature up.
I'm trying hard.


I dont wanna be cold.

I wanna trust. Again.

back!

Sorry friends...
Haven't been updating for a month...
Long hours at work with no internet access is killing me..

So lemme now update you all with all the happenings...

*********************************************************

May had been a wonderful month for me.
Other than my job boo-hoos, everything went smoothly for me!

I had proved to many that I can drive..
Yeah, I did it with my 1st attempt! Wahahaha! Bite me!
Have been driving since the very next day I got my license!
Had a few minor accidents where I smashed my dad's rim, nearly knocked some idiot bikers down (hey! they were reckless!), went up beyond speed limit.....
Overall, I am still relatively safe...
Trust me, bud..
You can always have your fag in the car. Anytime...


Had an exciting trip to Krabi.. Yes, again!
However this time, my friends drove all the way up!
Damn exciting journey...
Other than stupid 1446 kept breaking down, I did enjoyed the whole trip!
It felt soooooo good to be back at Krabi again!
Thank you Ah go go! *muackz*

And the weirdest thing that happened during the trip......
I met bud boy on the street in Krabi!!!
To think that we had been trying to meet up back in Singapore few times without success!
It is really a freaking small world after all!!!


******************************************************************************

June has been great so far...

As you all know, it is my birthday month...
Really wanna thank all of you for remembering my birthday...
& celebrating it for me...

Though this year is consider quite a "quiet" one ( 'cos I really did not thought of celebrating it)
I still felt sooooo loved!

Thank you soooo much!
All the efforts, well wishes, hugs & kisses, & presents....
I love them all.....

Thank you dearies, jan & her man, mic, sock, ROB crews! & LSC girls.....
& thank you Ah go go!!!!

********************************************************************************

For the special days in my family (my sis & my birthday, Fathers' day) my siblings & I had decided to bring my family out for dinner...

Dinner had been great! It was the feeling of having all your loved ones sitting next to you, laughing, enjoying every moments with you that makes the night so special....

Big bro was cocky though... it has been a love-hate relationship between us.. I bet the feeling is mutual.
Right, bro? *evil grin*
I still love you more than I hate you....


**********************************************************************************

Yes, there is someone "special" in my life now...
The relationship is unfortunately, considered as "complicated".

Yeah, I know I shouldn't get myself into such situation.
I must admit, it is hard for me to control my feelings at times.

At the "right" place, "right" time, I just cannot stop myself from feeling some palpitations caused by that somebody.

Arghhhh....

***********************************************************************************

Alright, basically these are all the highlights happenings.

I will try to update my blog more often. Promise.

Love you all!