Haunt by the past

Yeah, I must admit, I am still haunt by my past...
Not so much of missing anyone, but I have changed so much due to what had happened.
It is pretty sad to have realised it now and accepting the fact that I have indeed, changed into quite a cold-blooded selfish person.

Ever since he left me, I believed he put a curse on me. (yeah, human beings always blame others for their failure. I'm a human too.)

"Life will be different without me, girl..." That were his last words.
Yeah, life has been different. He have since taught me, not to trust.

Not to trust any other guys.
Not to trust their words.
Not to trust their promises.
Not to trust their actions.


Not to trust L-O-V-E.


I have not be able to really trust anyone else with my heart ever since.
I've tried.
And each time it failed, my heart gets even more fragile.
Yet I can't show my feelings.

Cause to everyone, I am a bubbly kid.
I am someone who is ever so cheerful, full of laughter & giggles.
Someone whose life is ever so filled with sunshine.

But no one knows that I am the someone who will force myself to smile at others, even on days that I'm feeling down.
I am the someone that will find the sunshine in my own world.

I wanna be the bubbly girl that everyone thinks I am. So there are days that I will just fake it.

I'm sorry to be so superficial. I hate it.


Anyone who knows my past will gimme that, "oh you're such a poor thing" look.
I do not like that. I am not a poor thing.
Yes, I nearly ended up my life there at that point of time. Thank God I did not.
It hasn't kill me there.
I have learnt to be stronger. I have learnt not to love. Yes, I did.

Then, there were days I think back, life will be meaningless for me, if there is no one special to share it with me.
I started to open my heart to L-O-V-E again. Trying to trust again.

Then again when things started to fall apart, I grew to be even more cold.
To the extend, I only see what I can get or received, not what I can give.

It is terrible.

I am scared of myself. Scared of the reflection I see in the mirror.


I wanna go back to who I was in the past.
I want back my innocence, which I know, I have lost it.
Forever.


It is hard to learn, but harder to unlearn.


Each time i met someone, I always tell myself, "trust him".
But each time I sensed something amiss, I got scared.
And in order not to get myself hurt again, I hide.
Avoid him.
Hide my innermost feelings.
Keep my mouth shut.
Continue to act bubbly.
Period.


It is a lose-lose situation, I know.
But I can only trust myself.
I know I cannot afford to be badly hurt again.
It didn't killed me the last time.
I can't promise it will not the next time.
I am scared.


I need to learn how to trust again.
I am trying hard.
I have learn to hear from others and trying to believe whatever they say.
I give them chances.
Chances to break my heart. Only to certain limits.


I am cold.
I know.


I am trying to raise the temperature up.
I'm trying hard.


I dont wanna be cold.

I wanna trust. Again.