Wake up call

Nope, I'm not talking about the simple wake up calls that people usually have every morning.
I'm talking about something more than that, or should I say, a Whole Lot more than that.

Just finished a 2 hours long tearful talk with Baby, pouring out how we feel towards this "relationship". Or maybe at least I know I poured things out. Towards the end of the heated conversation, Baby hit my "G-spot". Yes, a very highly-sensitive issue for me. And that he "woke me up".

Well, its not the 1st time he did that. But this time the impact is a LOT more harder. I had an answer to a big question in my life.

I'm going to make a Big fuckin' confession here. So if you're reading this as my friend, just keep it to yourself. It's not a big secret but I rather not want anyone to take it as a "topic-of-their-day".

Okie, here goes...

I had a baby before. A real baby, a gift from GOD. But I chose to abort it. It's not a pleasant event, thus I never like to bring it up. I never agree to abortions. To me, it's a coward's way out. Every close friends I have in poly days, can tell you that. But why in the end I chose that option? Seriously speaking, I don't feel comfortable touching on that here.
But one thing for sure, I have not forgive myself for that. I thought I did, cause @ that point of time, it was, to me, the right thing to do.
But no, I haven't forgive myself for that.

I will never know how my baby looked like.
I will never even know if it's a boy or girl.
I will never know how his/her cries sound like.
I will never know how is it like to carry him/her.
Many many things I will never ever get to know.

Anyway, back to the "wake-up-call". Baby reminded me of a promise I made. A promise to my own flesh & blood.

And that promise made me realised why I was still in agony each time I think of my baby.

That is because I have been in a denial stage for too long. Far too long.

I wanted to forget about the unhappy happenings to the extend, I made myself to forget about the promise.

Why am I still feeling so guilty? That is because I have not fuckin' keep my promise!! That important promise I made to my baby on that fatal night. How could I???!!!

It's so funny how GOD always give you your answers at the weirdest way. I really thank GOD for Baby waking me up.

I have now, wrote the promise down. And I'm gonna pin it up high and remind myself everyday about it! I don't wanna forget about it anymore. I don't wanna live in denial stage anymore. I am so gonna keep this promise!

Yes, I am doing it!

Thank you Baby.. Thank you for enduring my "nonsenses" for months..

Thank you so so much..