Too Much..

Too much thoughts in my head...

I can't seem to think clearly.

I can't think,
I can't feel,
I can't laugh,
I can't cry..

My heart is numb. Too much for it to take.
One moment I feel hurt, pain, sorrow..
The next moment I cannot feel anything.

Its in my blood to put others before me.
I know I have to stop, but I can't help it.

I can visualize my heart when I cry to sleep.
Brutally tear apart.. with pieces of it falling off.
Tears at the corners of my eyes,
but they never roll down to my cheeks,
till I lay down on my bed.

Flashes of your face keep haunting me.
The temptation of walking down the memory lane is so high..
I give in.

I saw tears in your eyes on that Sunday evening..
That moment I wanna hug you close and never wanna let you go.
That night I said, "I'm yours".. with all my heart, I meant it.

Those days we tease each other..
Those intimate moments, I never forget..
All the time I'm yours.
Never wanna let you go.

The miles of road we covered by feet..
The jokes we cracked..
The laughters that we shared..
The cockroaches that made me screamed and you laughing at me..
Never forget...

Those rainy nights when I told you I was scared,

You held me close and cuddled me to sleep..

That I will never forget..

Those late nights of WorldCup madness..
I never feel tired, cause I was with you.
The joy of spending time with you was all that matters to me.

The movies we watched..
From sweet love romances to scary nail-biting horrors..
I never forget how we would hug each other throughout the shows..
Be it in the cinemas or in the comfortable bed of yours..

Those dates we had..
Before we were together till we were apart..
The time having you just by my side,
is more than I can ask for.

Even walking up the stairs at your place..
You always love to smack my butt..
I said," I hate it"
but deep in my heart, I smiled,
thats because I know you loved me.

On July 7th..
That Friday night..
I'll never forget..
That very night, you came over
hugged me tight and said "I love you"
That very moment, I cried.
I want the time to stop then..
In your embrace, I feel so loved once again.
That was the very night, I gave my whole heart to you.
Forsaking everything else.
Believing you will never let me go.


You led me out of my "shell", without you, yourself knowing.
The walls were down and I gave my everything.
I know you did many things for me, that were never for others before.
I am grateful for that. Thank you.

The fights we had, I remembered.
Through the fights I see things your point of views in life.
I was hurt but I know you meant good.
I felt more loved by you.

August 29th..
You said its too late..
You're too tired to try again.
You let go of my hand.
You left my heart bleed so much.

Though the time we were together isn't very long..

Wasn't long enough for me to prove my love and true feelings..

Not enough for me to show you how much you've changed me...

But it's long enough for me to love you so deep..

I tried hard to put up a strong front.
I know I did pretty well.
Noone knows the hurt is so deep,
I even managed to fool myself @ times.
Maybe because I thought I am still special to you,
and maybe one day we can get back together again.

You were still there when I need a listening ear.
But I know I didn't do a good job to be yours.
I never seems to manage to make you laugh anymore.
And that hurts me even more.

I closed my heart and refused to feel.
Refused to spend time alone till I can just fall and sleep.
I keep my schedule packed.
Doing things that will keep myself missing you.

But I know I am just fooling myself.
Cause I really love you.
I don't dare to call you every now and then.
I don't dare to tell you how badly I miss you..
I don't dare to tell you or anybody else,
how I really feel towards you.

I carry on my life without thinking who else I will meet, or will I find someone new.
Cause deep down in my heart,I know I still love you alot and I pray that you will come back to me.
I want you back badly..
But I know, if I can never give you the happiness you're looking for,
I should let go.

Thats my true feelings..
Thats the struggle I have in my heart all these while..
Thats why I don't dare to be alone @ nights.
That is why I keep my heart closed so I won't feel.

I can't let you go..
Cause I really love you..
Yet I know if what I give is not what you are looking for.
I should let you go..

I know I may never hear your voice again..
Cause it hurts even more to know you get over me so fast, because you thought I've move on..(!!)
I wanna know that you are fine..
I wanna know that you will be truly happy..
But it will hurt me even more to know..

I can't choose which way to go..
cause both ways will hurt me.

But because I know you will be bother if I stay on..
You won't be able to carry on..
My presence will get into your way of being with her.

I will go..
Somewhere that noone will know about us.
Somewhere noone will know why I cry.
Somewhere I can be alone.
I know I have no control over things here..
It's too much for me to bear..
Too much for my heart to take them..
Too much..


I truly wish you all the best in your everything..
Your $$, your career..
I wish I can stay to hear more..

I wish you all the best with her too..
cause I want you to be truly happy..
but I can't stay to know..
Its killing me..

I am not being kind to say or to do such things..
I know I am not prefect.
But I always believe its better to get myself hurt than to hurt others in any ways.

Take care, my close friend...
I just pray that as days go by,
you'll still remember those days when I'm yours truly...