After so long..

I realised today is your birthday..
It took me awhile to realise it and even tried to recall if I am right.
Yah, today is indeed your birthday.

No matter where you are,

Happy Birthday CYL

A Letter to My Brother

Dearest Baby Brother,

Sorry that I have to call you this. Have not been calling you 'My Baby Brother' for the longest time. Especially now you have grown sooo TALL (Damn). Suddenly I just miss those days when you were still so tiny.
That very day when you came into our family, was the day I really thanked God for you. Like I have always told you, you are a miracle baby. You really have to know this, because that is really why you are so precious to all of us. Very very P-R-E-C-I-O-U-S.

Those were the days because of you, we had a maid (for the 1st time) to take good care of all our needs. Of course, the priority was still You. Those days, I would always show you off to all my friends. Got them to ah ma's place, so we could all play with you. I would always carry you in my arms, change your diapers, singing lullabies to you, trying all means to see you smile.

I remember very clearly, like it just happened yesterday, you had fever. We rushed you to the hospital. On the hospital bed, I cradled you in my arms, feeding you with the milk bottle and singing 'Twinkle Twinkle Little Stars' to you. The next moment, you followed my hand gesture by opening and closing your tiny palm. No words can ever describe that kind of feeling I felt inside me. It was just too wonderful. That magical moment. I will always remember that moment forever and ever.

When you grow older, you started talking. Baby words at first when we all had to try our best to figure out your alien language. But when you started to speak properly, Oh My God! You never stop! You can just go on and on. Asking all kind of questions which, obviously, I can never find the answer to all. That was when I will start singing the 'One Thousand and One' song, hopefully, doing my very best, to distract that never-quiet-down Baby Brother of mine.

You loved to follow wherever I go. Be it when you still need the baby-walker for support till you can even run. You would always follow behind me and asked, "Da-Jie, where are you going?" No matter which location I would to tell you, you would sure wanna tag along.

I remember an incident. That really made me feel so guilty and bad for a very long time. You were 6 months old then. Fat, chubby, heavy, simply over-sized, over-weight! I was carrying you and I really dunno how, my hands gave way and you fell. You hit your big head and cried non-stop. That very moment, I wished I was the one who got my head hit instead. I felt so dreadful. Felt totally shitty. I lept praying that you will be fine and well & nothing will happen to you. Thanked God, you are not only okay, you turn out to be a smart boy too!

Bringing you around everywhere I go was not easy. But I really had lots of fun having you along. To think back, all I can remember are the Happy, Funny moments we shared. Remember those days when we always took buses to places? You would always at the most awkward moment, turned to me and said, "Da-Jie, I wanna pee." Imagine that horror look I have on my face when you did that the first time. I cannot remember how I saved us out of that situation but from then on, I always get myself prepared. The next time you did that to me, Da~Dah! out comes the plastic bottle! Wahahahaaaa!! That was hilarious!!

Well, you know Da-Jie can always go on and on about our adventures. That is because to me, you will always be my PRECIOUS BABY BROTHER. FOREVER & EVER.

Now, you have grown to be a witty young man. Facing more and more challenges in life. Coping with more and more stress in life.

You no longer wanna follow me everywhere I go, despite my invitations. You no longer talk non-stop. In fact, sometimes I miss your questioning-DaJie-session. I miss those days you would love to hold my hands and walk down the street together. I miss those funny faces you would to make when I disturb you. I miss those days when you would always wanna run into my room and asked to sleep with me. I miss even more of you ever since you shifted to ah ma's place. Sometimes I am so jealous of Gor cause you would still want to bunk in with him.

When mum wanted me to tell you the truth, I hesitated. I do not know how to tell you, when to tell you. I was very tempted to tell you when we were walking down the streets in HuaLian. You and I, walking together, hand in hand. I was telling you stories of my childhood, the many different pets that I have murdered and you asking all kind of questions, eagered to know more. Then I was tempted to break the news. Luckily I did not. Mum did in the end. I was very worried that things will change. Thanked God you took it well. Surprised me that you are actually more mature than I always thought you were.

These days, school complaints started to flood in. You did not hand in your work. You keep hanging out with your friends. Your teachers start calling. What happened? Are you coping well? Are you being bullied in school?

Today, for the very first time, I prayed for you. A simple little prayer but I believe it will work wonders in your life. For all the challenges you will to face, for all the stress you will bound to have, for all the love and wisdom that you deserve, this day I prayed together with you. I felt weird too. You giggled when I began the prayer. Very funny. Wahahaaa! But you should know, I really love you. I love you for who you are, for you are My Brother.

Please remember that, no matter what happens, no matter where you are, you have your Da-Jie here. Always waiting for you to call upon. Always there for you.

I Love You.

How deep is your love

Yah.. That very night when I went out of control.
That very night you drove me nuts..
That very night I drove to your place..

I saw..
I experienced it.
Now I know,
How deep is your love for me.

Stop telling me you never knew.
Stop telling me that she's pregnant.
Stop telling me that you have no choice.

That is the final.
I got to move on.

Let go of me.
And face the fact.
We are never meant to be.

Simple Love

Isn't Love suppose to be simple?
A feeling between two persons.
Just loving each other?

I find that its getting harder as I grow older.
I really thought this time I got the right one. Then again, the truth is, I did not.
Getting involved at the beginning is already wrong. But he said they are seperated.
Getting more and more in love is the wrong move. Cause I find it harder to leave him.

I thought through the whole relationship again and again and again and again..
I prayed about it again and again and again and again..
I knew what I should do but I always listen to what he has to say and then its all back to square one again..

The agurments are the same. Again and again.
He will say things to spite me and I will say things to piss him off.. Again and again and again..
I am really exhausted..
I am such a lousy fighter..

Whatever I said has no creditibilty.
Whatever he promised seems to be empty.
"Start a family.." that is the most impossible of all.
How am I suppose to believe that?

He does not seems to know what he really wants.
But I never doubt that he really feels for me.
Neither do I ever believe that he feels NOTHING for her.
"You can't have the best of the both worlds.."
Sound so familiar.. Isn't that what I told him before?

What I want, I told him truthfully.
He knew that is what he cannot give to me, "for now.." he said.
Then when? Can I give a dateline?
Let's say, wait till the child is born. Will he be able to show me whatever he promised?
I doubt so. I can see, it will be another beginning of another story.
A story with no ending.

I have no more tears. I am really tired.
Tired of thinking of you.
Tired of thinking of them.
Tired of acting deaf when they called me names.
Tired of keeping things to myself.
Tired of thinking he will be mine soon.
Tired of having to pray for them.
Tired of being generous.
Really tired. Really.

I find it so hard to let go. Cause I know I feel for him dearly.
And I know this is not fair.
I know I should just let go.
Thank you for making it so easy this time.

My heart was all numb when he said those hurting words.
I cannot feel anything anymore.
I wish I can just have him in front of me, so I can just hug him tight and listen to his heartbeat once again.
And I know now, I will not have the chance to anymore.

"Think for yourself.." they all said. I tried. I really did.
Yeah, since he cannot give the happiness I want. I should.
I should have someone that I can proudly post all our lovely photos on Facebook.
With him, can I?

Typing this with tears obstructing isn't easy..
Time will heal all wounds, that's what they all said.
I am really really tired.
I have no strength to carry on this...
Really tired..

溫嵐 - 愛你的兩個我

Its all because of my selfishness..
My confusion..
My weakness..